What Have I Done?

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She came into my life unexpectedly,

And I fell so quickly, so fast, in love with her.

I kissed her and held her tight,

I was there for her all through the night.

I listened to her tell me about her fears,

I comforted her when she was in pain,

And I let her last out at me when she was upset,

And it was all because I loved her.

She became my everything,

My heart, my life, my soul,

And somehow I just knew,

She was the one for me.

Our love became stronger and stronger,

We grew more comfortable around each other,

And each day, I held her tighter and tighter,

Unable to let her go.

I never wanted to stop holding her,

I always wanted to be around her,

I wanted to be in her presence,

And always staring at her beauty.

Every night before I went to sleep,

I thought of her and her gorgeous face,

I thought about how much I loved her,

And how I missed her so damn much it hurt my heart.

I dreamt of holding her close to me,

I dreamt of kissing her and longing to be with her.

She was always there for me too.

She listened to my problems,

She comforted my pain,

And understood when I yelled at her.

She forgave me after I yelled and swore,

She said, ‘its okay, you were upset.’

I just smiled and held her tightly,

And knew that was the reason I loved her.

But things started to get rough at home,

They got worse and worse every day.

They kept yelling at me,

Cutting me down,

And breaking me inside.

It hurts me more and more each day,

Until one day, I can’t take anymore.

She notices I’m upset,

She knows I’m hurting,

And again she’s there for me:

‘It’ll be okay, things will get better, I promise; you have me, remember?’

And as comforting as that is,

It still doesn’t work.

Of course I have her,

She’s my everything,

My heart, my life, my soul,

But I can’t take this anymore.

It’s become too much,

And no one,

Not even her, the love of my life,

Can fix it or make it go away.

Death is my only option.

As I hear her crying on the other end of the line,

I tell her don’t cry,

I promise I won’t do it,

You have nothing to worry about.

Her crying subsides,

And she’s so happy to hear me say that.

A tear rolls down my cheek,

I tell her I have to go,

I say I love you with all my heart,

You make everything better,

And you mean the world to me.

She says she loves me too and she’ll see me tomorrow.

I hang up the phone,

Grab the knife sitting on my knight stand,

And in one quick motion,

I slice my left wrist,

And then my right.

Blood is pouring everywhere,

There isn’t much pain,

For I know there will be no more pain once I’m gone.

Soo my legs get much too weak,

And I fall to the floor,

I lay there, bleeding from my wrists,

And I think of the love of my life.

I think of how I love her so much,

I think of how she’s my whole world,

And I think about how I’m hurting her now.

But it’s going to be better for me and for her,

She won’t have to deal with my problems anymore.

I promised to never put her through pain,

And now I’m no longer doing so.

My last thought before I die,

Is the day I kissed her and held her for hours.

My favourite memory of ours.

My eyes close and all I think of,

Is how I love her.

Now I am gone,

No longer in pain,

And now I can watch over my love,

Every second of every day.

Expecting to see her dealing with my death with such grace,

Clearly I am wrong.

My love isn’t taking it so well.

Every second of every day,

My love cries and stares at a picture of us,

Stares at pictures of me,

Wears my clothes and everything I gave her,

She listens to my voicemail over and over again just to hear my voice,

She doesn’t come out of her room,

She talks to me out loud,

Saying, ‘how could you leave me like this?

You promised me you wouldn’t,

But in the end you did,

I can’t cope without you,

I miss you so much, please come back to me.’

She does everything she can to still hold onto me,

And now I’m the one in pain,

Being gone is nothing like I thought it’d be.

I can’t bear to see her like this,

I thought this was for the best...

I thought I’d be putting her out of her misery...

I thought I’d be ridding her of my problems.

But it turns out,

She doesn’t mind being burdened with my problems,

She loves being there for me...

And now I have to be gone forever,

Without her forever,

And watch her cry forever...

And see my one true love,

My soul mate,

Be in excruciating pain for eternity.

Oh dear Lord,

What have I done?

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